the weathers gotten better recently. i slept on the bathroom floor because my mattress had cat piss and litter on it. v_v the mess accumulates because we're all stuck in such a small space. im listening to my dad send my brother into a meltdown over math homework. oh, the memories... he pisses me off. especially when it comes to my siblings/younger brother. i spend most of my school day with my head down. i fell asleep during my english class and missed the bell lol. im too tired to do the work anymore. whats it matter? i made the decision not to bring food, so i naturally had an excruciating headache all day (though i have those regardless). im not sure why i did that. i do alot of things that will fuck me over. its not because i hate myself, its just a natural decision i make. especially when my mental health plummets. like choosing not to ask for help; not bringing food; letting issues get worse until someone notices instead of just saying it; pushing myself; etc. i guess its just a second nature sort of thing. im used to being uncomfortable and miserable. im inclined to self implode. whatever the case is, ive been quite miserable. passively living is a nice way of putting it. i did relapse, but i have no access to anything thatll really amount to anything. c got upset(?) because ive been struggling and talking to him about my stuff, and he couldnt fix or help it. half the time when they try to fix it, it makes it worse, because theres no fix for it and i just end up frustrated. im still a little frustrated about it. its not my fault im suicidal, dont treat me like its my moral failing. i just need somebody to talk to. and i should probably say that to him, but i dont have the energy for that right now. and again, with just choosing to do what i know is gonna be worse in the longrun, its this, too. i know its not a big deal to just communicate with him. itll go better, its healthy, whatever. but im inclined not to. i might just be stubborn in my suffering. whos to say? im also inclined to be mad at him, even though its illogical. i think im just inclined to being angry or wholly self loathing anytime something like this happens. im allowing myself space. something i fear is that, objectively, everyone i love will face my wrath at some capacity. i cant ever love anyone without wanting to destroy them whole every once and awhile. i recall often to my experiences with my ex when i thought about it, *how could you do this to me? you hurt me, you left me, i want to strangle the air out of your lungs for it.* though i feel it was much more rational in comparison to c. the hard part about relationships is you have to put in the work to be a good person and a good life partner. you have to stop being an immature cunt and pull the stick out of your ass and communicate instead of throwing a fit and getting mad and not talking to them. and thats hard, i guess. its just so much easier to be irrationally upset. but really, we operate the same. we both cant help but try to fix other people. but we cant. and i dont know how to just. comfort someone and listen to their struggles without trying to micromanage and fix it? that might be the case for him too. really, ive felt the same way he does, but im still inclined to be bitter about it. its silly how those things work. i should approach with empathy and compassion and not be upset, because its understandable, and hes my life long partner, you know? i think its healthy to have an outlet like this; allow yourself to express your bitterness about it, but that doesnt mean you have to approach Them like that. hes my best friend. sometimes i also worry we cant be fully honest with eachother. i dont want to be put on a pedestool, or have someone pretend i dont make them upset/annoyed/bitter/angry/whateverthefuck sometimes. because i do, im a person. nobodys perfect. it was scary being put on a pedestool like that with my ex, their bpd helping with it no less. i get kind of freaked out sometimes because im afraid thatll happen to us, me and c. hes important to me and i dont want to mess it up. i think love is a take and give. i dont want to put pressure onto him. to have a mature good relationship you have to swallow your pride and "rightful bitterness" because ultimately youre kinda dumb and you love them and you could improve, so you cant be mad. im scared nobody could ever look at me the same if they knew i felt that way. if people knew the capacity of my anger and whatnot extends. not that i have anger issues or am a particularly violent person. but i get bad sometimes. i guess just as a result of trying to protect myself.i think ive spent so long being mistreated that i have to take every chance i can to defend myself. the years of abuse have lead me to implode anytime someone does something i percieve as mistreatment. im quite black and white sometimes. i either take someones abuse, or fully explode over something that isnt warranted, i cant just find an in between. we have made a little progress with moving. i cant detail much but. you know. its hard to ever feel we are getting anywhere, but im trying my best. trying to get that fresh air in my lungs and start dressing like a hippie again cause it makes me happy. i should atleast try to dig myself out of this depression pit, haha. wth the weather getting better, itll be easier. really, though, its very sad living at the motel. theres so many people sitting around smoking cigs, standing with suitcases with no idea where theyre going, people moving in after newly being homeless. you never know their story, you just know everyones in the same boat. a silent solidatory about it. everyones miserable. and it doesnt make it that much better. there isnt community for it, its just acknowledgment we are all drowning together; that doesnt mean anything between us all. nonetheless, i guess ill try my best.