i dont remember the last time ive cried, cause truely, if i start, i may never stop. hahahahahahaha. anyways my mom told my father, i guess, basically that no matter what happens they probably wont live together. which wasnt something he was happy about. tonight as i had gotten out of the shower, long contemplating what mess im in, i heard my mom and sister speaking. we have 8 animals in total. one of them, Nuggs, our cat, was at my sisters friends until we could get out of the motel. which was intended to be a 2 week thing until we found somewhere. i seemed to be the only one that wasnt silly enough to think we'd only be staying for a few weeks. its going on two months now, going strong! they arent interested in keeping him long term. They want us to get him by next weekend. my mom freaked out, voice raising more than usual, saying we'd have to take him to a shelter. it was "her" cat, so its just another addition to the laundry list of things she has lost because of my father. as it always goes, he just kind of stares at her and quietly sighs. my sister and mom cried. i try not to think about anything to avoid crying. i just cant let myself grasp the situation or i think ill never stop crying.

my mom often remarks that it feels like jail, or a psych ward, here. i wonder how much we will lose before we are somewhere safe. i wonder if we will ever reach that destination. regardless, you can only imagine. everything seems to be uncertain all of the time. thats just the way things go as of present. it hurts watching the people around me withstand so much. my dad usually just stares at the tv, fixated. which i prefer. i dont like when he tries to talk to me or anyone really. things just feel like a long thread of suffering and i have nothing i can sew out of it