we were supposedd to leave on the 11th to a new, presumably better, motel. but here we are. we have no choice but to leave friday, however. so we are assumably going to that hotel friday. im trying to be optimistic. it is a steady line to try and stay between not getting your hopes up while also not being cyncial. i allow myself to indulge heavily in damaging thoughts as of these past few months. ive been very strained lately. truthfully, i feel as though im incapable of love lately. its replaced with irritation and frustration instead. my pets, family, friends. everything is an external source and every sound, every touch, it burns and singes me. i have a hard time feeling anything, often. aside from depression, general gloom, irritation.ive been noctural for a hot minute now. i just like nighttime more. people are asleep and i can try to pretend im alone. im very behind on work, slowly making my way through missing assignments. i try to take care of myself. ive been hungry lately. despite the pain i feel from not eating enough, i never feel that hungry. ive been forgetting to take my meds, though, so ive been actually hungry. we are supposed to live in a real house june 1st. two hours away. not sure how we'll manage that, but nevertheless. if we do end up there, itll be nice, or so ive heard. i went to the dollar store today to grab a few things. i got these quite pretty hairbands, a small notebook for class notes, and a fabric cutter. its quite amazing, i was surprised to find it at the dollar store. it looks like a pizza cutter, and it rolls quite nice for a 1.25.

i sewed a bit today. some on my bag im using currently, and working on a shirt. :-) ive been looking at videos of people living off the grid, or on vans, lately... ideally id like to live somewhat like that, sometime in the future. go to europe maybe. ive ached for proper independence my whole life. i guess just because ive always felt stifled, suffocated. and i know its not on purpose, its nobodys fault, really. with all the restraints there are. but its always bothered me that i cant do what i want, live on my own. that i cant just walk outside my door and go until i decide i dont want to anymore. im always constrained. i hope i reincarnate as a bird in my next life. if i have wings i can go anywhere i want.